Nothing Left

I have this feeling that people are mad at me and not speaking to me.  Again.  And I can’t do this anymore.

It was a really bad week at work, mostly because of seemingly insignificant things, but none of it felt insignificant.  I’m an expert at catastrophizing so of course I figured everything was my fault.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.  Past experience has shown me that I’m not always wrong and that sometimes, it IS my fault.  Unfortunately, one of the things that made it a bad week results in the loss of certain privileges and there are days that I just barely cope by using one of those privileges.  The absolute worst place I can be is in my own head and now I’m going to be stuck there.  So I can add the work stuff to the ever growing list of “shit I can’t deal with.”

As far as people being mad at me, no, I’m not certain.  I’m never certain.  The thought process is always the same: I will think someone is not speaking to me which leaves me with two options; contacting them or not contacting them.  I can contact them to find out but if they aren’t speaking to me, the last thing I want to do is bug them.  But if I contact them and ask if they’re mad at me, that’s hurtful.  So option one is out.  Not contacting them means that they might think I’m mad at them and it means I’m driving myself out of my mind being upset not knowing whether or not they’re mad at me.  So option two sucks.

I’ve gotten to a point where I just start with the assumption that nobody wants me around because then I’m not getting my hopes up.  There’s only so many times one can hope for things and then have those hopes destroyed.  Why bother hanging onto hope at this point?  I also start every day with the assumption that I’m heading into work only to get fired.  There’s this undercurrent of tension and hostility there now and I’ve seen this before and know how it ends.  Why should I expect to not be the one on the chopping block this time?  It’ll be my turn eventually.  I’d look for a new job but that requires more fucks than I have to give right now so I’m not bothering.  Being rejected by places I apply to would not exactly help my frame of mind.

Apparently, my current frame of mind is called “passively suicidal.”  I’ve been that way for months, really.  I don’t know what would help.  I’ve looked into other psychiatric inpatient facilities but the only option available to me is the one I’ve already been in and that place gets a huge “FUCK NO” from me.  I have an appointment scheduled next month at my usual psych office and I’m dreading it.  I’m worried that they’ll think they’re wasting their time with me because I’m not completely better.  It sounds kind of stupid, but there it is.  Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.  There’s definitely a part of me that thinks that way.

I just can’t see what exactly I’d be trying to get better for.  Why bother when people don’t seem to care if I live or die?  Everyone would get on just fine without me and they might even be relieved that I finally stopped whining and they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  My presence in the lives of others means absolutely nothing, therefore, my absence wouldn’t make a difference.  I don’t matter to anyone.  Not enough for them to really care, at any rate.  I can go days without talking to one single person on a personal level and if I do talk to anyone, I have to initiate the conversation.  I feel like I’m intruding every single time, too.

I have absolutely nothing left.  I destroyed everything I had that was good and I’m sick of trying to keep my hopes up that I can get any of it back.  I wish like hell that I’d managed to kill myself that time.  But I fucked that up too and now I’m just kind of stuck existing instead of living.  I don’t dare hope for anything good so I’m left to walk around with a heart that’s dead inside of me.

Give up what, exactly?

I keep thinking to myself that I want to give up but I don’t even know what that means.  I’ve stopped going on Facebook, so that means I’ve given up the only social interaction I had.  I don’t text or call anyone because I feel like I’m bothering them.  I try not to talk to anyone at work because I feel like I’m bothering them and/or they’re just going to talk horrible shit behind my back.  I don’t have much left to “give up.”  Everyone is already gone.  They never really “came back.”

Is it hope that I’m giving up?  The hope that things will get better?  Maybe.  Will I stop hating myself if I just accept that nothing is ever going to be okay again?  Will it stop hurting if I just accept that I’m a horrible person and I’m completely alone because I deserve it?  I have no idea.  Right now all I can manage is to sit here crying, dreading having to wake up tomorrow for work and force myself to function.

I’ve lost all interest in everything I used to like to do.  Including reading.  I can’t stay focused on what I’m trying to read.  I’m afraid to watch TV shows or movies because, seriously, what if you can get dehydrated from crying too much?  Everything makes me cry.  Wasting time on Facebook is off the table.  Twitter is mildly distracting and doesn’t come with the emotional devastation of feeling left out of everything that Facebook causes.  There’s that, at least.  But everything that made me ME is gone.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I know who I think I am, and I really hate that person.  Everyone hates that person.  I know that.  That’s why I avoid everyone.  If I could avoid me, believe me, I would.

Lack of options

I must have great taste in perfume.  I can’t even begin to count the number of people that have told me that they like how I smell, or that they know when I’ve been in a room because of my perfume.

Why bring it up now?  Because I apologize every single time someone mentions it.

They can be obviously complimentary and I will apologize.  I don’t know why exactly.  There are many potential reasons but nothing I could nail down as THE reason I do that.

It could very well just be the constant guilt I carry around.  Granted, I’m prone to apologizing because it used to be a protective measure, but this is very specific guilt and I can’t shake it.

It does not make one bit of difference if I’ve apologized.  What’s done is done and there’s not a fucking thing I can do.  The trust is gone.  I know that.  And I hate myself for it and I will never forgive myself.  Even if they forgive me, I can’t forgive myself and it is fucking killing me.

I know damn good and well I’m not worth a fucking thing.  My current mental state might very well be due to this guilt.  Telling me to get over it is great but nobody ever explains HOW to do that.  Am I supposed to forget it?  Doing that means I haven’t accepted any responsibility for what I did.  There are consequences that must be dealt with and forgetting anything is simply dodging those consequences.  I FUCKED UP.  I deserve whatever I get from that.  Nobody else is going to forget anything and they are never going to really trust me again.  How do I deal with that?  That’s another thing people never explain when they throw around trite little phrases that are the opposite of helpful.

I desperately want to stop feeling anything.  I can’t live with this.  I’m now at a point where I reflexively apologize if someone gives me a compliment, for fuck’s sake.  My options at this point seem to be:

  1. Try to forget which will mean not actually dealing with anything and not accepting the punishment I deserve.
  2. Try to shut down all feelings.  That’s also not dealing with or accepting anything.
  3. Kill myself.  Problematic for obvious reasons and my standards for a method of suicide are apparently unrealistic.
  4. Completely cut off all contact with anyone I don’t live with.  Walk away.  Give up.
  5. Continue to beat the shit out of myself mentally and slice myself up physically because I apparently lack certain “human” qualities and can’t deal with anything which means I continue to let my life spiral completely out of control until I lose my job AND my sanity.  What’s left of it, anyway.

I don’t much like any of those.