fighting

Up until today, I was doing fairly well.  But now I’m fighting off horrible thoughts, urges to self-harm, and I’m back to crying at the drop of a hat.  Lovely.

I know that what I’m thinking probably isn’t the right interpretation but there’s always that little voice of doubt.  Particularly when it comes to women at work.  Admit it, most people are petty, dishonest, and vindictive.  And the majority of those people are female.  No, I don’t know for certain if someone is deliberately trying to get to me.  But based on previous experience in that high-school-posing-as-a-workplace, it’s not impossible and is, in fact, plausible.  Right now, I’m at the point where I want to go back to not speaking to anyone, not looking at anyone, and avoiding being around everyone at all costs.  I thought I’d been better over the past couple of weeks but after yesterday and today, I’m not sure it’s worth it.  If I feel like I have to fight for “my place” in the social hierarchy when I didn’t before, is it really worth my time fighting?  I shouldn’t have to.  That’s how it feels though and whether or not it’s actually the case is beside the point.  I feel like I don’t belong and I need to leave everyone alone because that’s the signals I get from certain people.  I’m too fucking old to fight over friends and that’s exactly how it feels.  If someone wants me out of the way, fine.  I don’t feel like playing her little game so I’ll just stay the fuck away and not interact with the people she wants all to herself.  Yeah, I could be wrong.  But I’ve been female my entire life and this is all shit I’ve seen before.

Part of why I’m feeling down isn’t open to any interpretation.  It’s sad when a coworker you like leaves for another job.  I’m absolutely happy for her and I know she’ll do well but it’s still sad.

I think another factor is that it’s coming up on a full year since I fucked everything up and tried to kill myself.  I’m trying not to think about it but it’s inevitable.  I figure I’ll be a mess on the 13th and the 16th in particular.  I fucked up on the night of the 13th and tried to kill myself on the 16th.  Not looking forward to getting through the next couple of weeks.

And of course I’m stressed out over money.  That’s part of the “adulthood” stuff we don’t think about when we’re kids and we can’t wait to grow up.  For some reason, I’m just more stressed out over it than I am usually.

The upshot is that I AM fighting it off instead of just letting it consume me.  Even if nobody else sees that or cares, I know it.  I have to focus on what works to fight it off and just get better at doing those things and not fixate on the stuff that hurts or makes me angry.

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