Just…enough

Saying that today was a bad day would be an extreme understatement.

I went into work feeling okay.  That was blown all to hell after people started talking about some trip they went on over the weekend.  It wouldn’t have bothered me at all except that it soon became clear that it was somehow work-related and plenty of people from work went.  Guess who wasn’t invited?  Yep.  Me.  And there’s another work-related excursion coming up that I definitely haven’t been invited to.  The guy that’s usually the “point man” used to be a great friend of mine and in fact saved my life the last time I attempted suicide.  He wants absolutely nothing to do with me now and I’m sure he’s made it clear to anyone inquiring about this upcoming trip that I’m not to be included.

So that felt great, lemme tell ya.

More work-related stuff: I spent most of my day on Friday working on a design that was a real pain in the ass.  I expected it to look like garbage when it got back from sewout and it did.  I’m usually not trusted with anything complicated but the other digitizer was out and when I started working on the design, it hadn’t been marked as being outsourced.  I finished it and went to note in the request that I had finished it and only then saw the note that it was going to be outsourced.  After I’d essentially wasted an entire work day on that one design.  There were other things that came back that also looked like crap but that’s pretty standard for me.  It seems like everything I work on turns out to be garbage.

I’ll also admit to being depressed that I’m turning 40 this coming Saturday.  And what exactly have I accomplished in that time?  I managed to pop out a great kid.  That’s all.  I can’t even claim credit for raising him because I had help from my family, his dad, and his dad’s family.  Everyone had to pitch in because I’m obviously a terrible mother.

This next bit is completely stupid and petty but it still hurts.  I know everyone pretty much ignores my birthday.  Yeah, I know, petty.  I’m not all that fond of being put on the spot in front of a bunch of people and that’s often the reason given for the lack of acknowledgement.  Maybe it’s even true in some cases.  It still hurts.  Especially now when I’m feeling so completely alone and hated.

Also more work-related stuff: the same daily “Mean Girls” bullshit that goes on every day.  The difference is that I can no longer stick my earbuds in and listen to podcasts at top volume to drown it all out.  That privilege has been revoked for everyone.  So I get to hear my workplace’s version of The Plastics talking shit about everyone knowing full well that I’m also a target if I’m not in the room.  But sometimes, I have been in the room.  People laugh when they deliberately say something while their target is in the room because usually it’s an “inside joke” that the target won’t get.  I guess that makes The Plastics feel more clever?  I don’t exclude myself, unfortunately.  I already know I’m a complete waste of space though so I’ll own that.  I’ve tried to stay out of it more recently.  Things are toxic enough without me adding to it.

I used to love being at work because it didn’t feel like work.  I was doing something I loved surrounded by people that were awesome so it felt like getting paid to hang out with my friends while creating cool stuff.  It’s not like that anymore.  It feels like high school.  Some people look back on their high school years with fondness, but I’m not one of them.  Now I’m back in high school except my performance won’t determine whether or not I pass a class.  It determines whether or not I have health insurance and money.  Those are sort of important.  Parents, this is why we need to teach our kids how to handle bullies because the bullying doesn’t stop when school is over.  Adults are bullies, too.  That is shit you have to deal with everywhere.  The stakes are just different when it’s bullying in the workplace.

Usually, having people to talk to helps counter the negative stuff.  It would seem that I no longer have that option at work because whatever “place” I had in the lives of those I used to talk to is gone.  In my absence, I was replaced.  They have all the time in the world to talk to these new people but can’t be bothered with me.  That’s on me, I know that.  But again, like the birthday thing, it still hurts.  It’s worse when the new people seem to know that it hurts you and go out of their way to rub your face in it.

I want out.  I want to be gone.  I SHOULD be gone.  I should have been gone in August.  See, when I’m feeling like this and writing like this, I’m just the stupid drama queen that can’t handle life.  If I actually managed to kill myself, would they actually care?  It would be too late, of course, but would they?  Would they think that maybe if they’d pushed back at me a bit harder instead of letting me shove them away, I’d still be here?  If they encountered a similar situation in the future, would they remember me and think twice about repeating some things?

No, I don’t think so.  This is probably just me being a stupid selfish bitch again and I deserve everything bad because I’ve brought it on myself.

Wow, only Monday and I’m already completely fucking done with this entire week!

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