Nothing Left

I have this feeling that people are mad at me and not speaking to me.  Again.  And I can’t do this anymore.

It was a really bad week at work, mostly because of seemingly insignificant things, but none of it felt insignificant.  I’m an expert at catastrophizing so of course I figured everything was my fault.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.  Past experience has shown me that I’m not always wrong and that sometimes, it IS my fault.  Unfortunately, one of the things that made it a bad week results in the loss of certain privileges and there are days that I just barely cope by using one of those privileges.  The absolute worst place I can be is in my own head and now I’m going to be stuck there.  So I can add the work stuff to the ever growing list of “shit I can’t deal with.”

As far as people being mad at me, no, I’m not certain.  I’m never certain.  The thought process is always the same: I will think someone is not speaking to me which leaves me with two options; contacting them or not contacting them.  I can contact them to find out but if they aren’t speaking to me, the last thing I want to do is bug them.  But if I contact them and ask if they’re mad at me, that’s hurtful.  So option one is out.  Not contacting them means that they might think I’m mad at them and it means I’m driving myself out of my mind being upset not knowing whether or not they’re mad at me.  So option two sucks.

I’ve gotten to a point where I just start with the assumption that nobody wants me around because then I’m not getting my hopes up.  There’s only so many times one can hope for things and then have those hopes destroyed.  Why bother hanging onto hope at this point?  I also start every day with the assumption that I’m heading into work only to get fired.  There’s this undercurrent of tension and hostility there now and I’ve seen this before and know how it ends.  Why should I expect to not be the one on the chopping block this time?  It’ll be my turn eventually.  I’d look for a new job but that requires more fucks than I have to give right now so I’m not bothering.  Being rejected by places I apply to would not exactly help my frame of mind.

Apparently, my current frame of mind is called “passively suicidal.”  I’ve been that way for months, really.  I don’t know what would help.  I’ve looked into other psychiatric inpatient facilities but the only option available to me is the one I’ve already been in and that place gets a huge “FUCK NO” from me.  I have an appointment scheduled next month at my usual psych office and I’m dreading it.  I’m worried that they’ll think they’re wasting their time with me because I’m not completely better.  It sounds kind of stupid, but there it is.  Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.  There’s definitely a part of me that thinks that way.

I just can’t see what exactly I’d be trying to get better for.  Why bother when people don’t seem to care if I live or die?  Everyone would get on just fine without me and they might even be relieved that I finally stopped whining and they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  My presence in the lives of others means absolutely nothing, therefore, my absence wouldn’t make a difference.  I don’t matter to anyone.  Not enough for them to really care, at any rate.  I can go days without talking to one single person on a personal level and if I do talk to anyone, I have to initiate the conversation.  I feel like I’m intruding every single time, too.

I have absolutely nothing left.  I destroyed everything I had that was good and I’m sick of trying to keep my hopes up that I can get any of it back.  I wish like hell that I’d managed to kill myself that time.  But I fucked that up too and now I’m just kind of stuck existing instead of living.  I don’t dare hope for anything good so I’m left to walk around with a heart that’s dead inside of me.