I keep thinking to myself that I want to give up but I don’t even know what that means. I’ve stopped going on Facebook, so that means I’ve given up the only social interaction I had. I don’t text or call anyone because I feel like I’m bothering them. I try not to talk to anyone at work because I feel like I’m bothering them and/or they’re just going to talk horrible shit behind my back. I don’t have much left to “give up.” Everyone is already gone. They never really “came back.”
Is it hope that I’m giving up? The hope that things will get better? Maybe. Will I stop hating myself if I just accept that nothing is ever going to be okay again? Will it stop hurting if I just accept that I’m a horrible person and I’m completely alone because I deserve it? I have no idea. Right now all I can manage is to sit here crying, dreading having to wake up tomorrow for work and force myself to function.
I’ve lost all interest in everything I used to like to do. Including reading. I can’t stay focused on what I’m trying to read. I’m afraid to watch TV shows or movies because, seriously, what if you can get dehydrated from crying too much? Everything makes me cry. Wasting time on Facebook is off the table. Twitter is mildly distracting and doesn’t come with the emotional devastation of feeling left out of everything that Facebook causes. There’s that, at least. But everything that made me ME is gone. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know who I think I am, and I really hate that person. Everyone hates that person. I know that. That’s why I avoid everyone. If I could avoid me, believe me, I would.