Lack of options

I must have great taste in perfume.  I can’t even begin to count the number of people that have told me that they like how I smell, or that they know when I’ve been in a room because of my perfume.

Why bring it up now?  Because I apologize every single time someone mentions it.

They can be obviously complimentary and I will apologize.  I don’t know why exactly.  There are many potential reasons but nothing I could nail down as THE reason I do that.

It could very well just be the constant guilt I carry around.  Granted, I’m prone to apologizing because it used to be a protective measure, but this is very specific guilt and I can’t shake it.

It does not make one bit of difference if I’ve apologized.  What’s done is done and there’s not a fucking thing I can do.  The trust is gone.  I know that.  And I hate myself for it and I will never forgive myself.  Even if they forgive me, I can’t forgive myself and it is fucking killing me.

I know damn good and well I’m not worth a fucking thing.  My current mental state might very well be due to this guilt.  Telling me to get over it is great but nobody ever explains HOW to do that.  Am I supposed to forget it?  Doing that means I haven’t accepted any responsibility for what I did.  There are consequences that must be dealt with and forgetting anything is simply dodging those consequences.  I FUCKED UP.  I deserve whatever I get from that.  Nobody else is going to forget anything and they are never going to really trust me again.  How do I deal with that?  That’s another thing people never explain when they throw around trite little phrases that are the opposite of helpful.

I desperately want to stop feeling anything.  I can’t live with this.  I’m now at a point where I reflexively apologize if someone gives me a compliment, for fuck’s sake.  My options at this point seem to be:

  1. Try to forget which will mean not actually dealing with anything and not accepting the punishment I deserve.
  2. Try to shut down all feelings.  That’s also not dealing with or accepting anything.
  3. Kill myself.  Problematic for obvious reasons and my standards for a method of suicide are apparently unrealistic.
  4. Completely cut off all contact with anyone I don’t live with.  Walk away.  Give up.
  5. Continue to beat the shit out of myself mentally and slice myself up physically because I apparently lack certain “human” qualities and can’t deal with anything which means I continue to let my life spiral completely out of control until I lose my job AND my sanity.  What’s left of it, anyway.

I don’t much like any of those.


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