Downhill

Yeah, I think something may be wrong.  Even by my fucked-up standards, this is bad:

I’m not able to stay focused on anything for very long.  Not even while reading and since I read like most other people breathe, that’s bad.

I’m either sleeping too much or not sleeping enough.  There is no “just right.”

I’m not eating well.  Some days, I don’t eat at all.  It’s too much work.

I can’t make myself care about anything but it takes practically nothing to set me off crying.

Several times on my way home from work, I’ve resisted the urge to plow my car into a pole.  If I see a razor blade sitting out on a table at work, I’ve resisted the urge to grab it and use it on myself.  If I carry a pen around, I have to resist the urge to stab myself with it.

I’m cutting a lot.  Never on my forearm tattoo, though, so I am running out of room there and I’ll need to find other places to do it.

I don’t bother paying attention to cars in the parking lot.

Work is a struggle.  Just getting out of bed to get ready for work is a struggle, to be honest.  That won’t be tolerated long, I’m sure.

My physical health is negatively impacted, too.  My ears are bad again, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I would have been able to say they were normal so that’s probably just my new baseline.  Headaches, throwing up, sinus problems, and stuff like that are frequent companions.

Get help?  Sure, I’d love to.  I just can’t convince myself that I deserve it.  And I absolutely refuse to go to that hospital.  I’ve looked for other psychiatric hospitals in the area and wouldn’t you know it?  My insurance won’t work with them.  That place was not a hospital, it was a hellhole.  I was seriously looking for an alternative so I could check myself in before I do something stupid but if that’s my only option, forget it.  And if someone tries to get me committed involuntarily, I will fight.  I’ve already thought about this.  Inpatient services at that place ARE.  NOT.  AN.  OPTION.

Outpatient services?  Great!  I already see a therapist and I’m already on medication.  I would have to be able to afford the $35 for each office visit though and that adds up quickly.  So it often comes down to, “Do I buy groceries and pay bills or shell out for the copay at the doctor’s office?”  (I could rant for days about how fucked up this country’s healthcare is so I won’t even get started.)  And it’s $35 each time I set foot in the office, no matter who I’m seeing.  I see the therapist apart from seeing the person that manages medications.  The reason for that being, if the therapist has to devote time to discussing meds, that cuts into the talk therapy time which is his area of expertise.  It makes sense but it’s still expensive.

And if I do schedule an appointment with the therapist, by the time I get there I’m not actively “in crisis” and I feel like I don’t belong there.  I’ve gotten too good at lying to him, in any case.  Even though it’s his job to help and I am there to get help, I’m too worried about being judged if I told him the complete truth.  Looking at my life from outside, I don’t have it that bad.  I shouldn’t have anything to complain about and tons of people have it worse than I do so I feel like I’m wasting his time.

The biggest problem with talk therapy, is that the patient has to self-report to the healthcare professional.  It’s a problem that’s cost lives.  Look up Edmund Kemper.  That guy should not have ever been let out of prison, let alone released from psychiatric care.  I can’t remember which serial killer actually went to an appointment with his court-ordered therapist with the body of one of his victims in his car, but I seem to remember reading about that at some point.  It might have been Kemper.  (I read a bunch of true crime stuff and I always have.  Call me weird.  Just remember that one of the most popular podcasts at the moment is My Favorite Murder so I’m definitely not THAT weird.)  The point is, the therapist isn’t infallible.  I should want to completely cooperate.  Maybe this guy just isn’t right for me?  I do worry that if I asked to try a different therapist, my current one will think badly of me or take it personally that I don’t think it’s working out.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings even if it means sacrificing myself.

I guess that’s why it hurts so much when someone close calls me “selfish.”  And that’s not something I can refute without making their point!  I’ve never been good at “defending” myself.  I feel like I have no ground to stand on because if I wasn’t exactly what they say I am, they wouldn’t say it in the first place.  I must be wrong.  I must be horrible.  It doesn’t matter if I think they’re wrong; if I try to say they’re wrong or explain my “side,” it feels like an excuse.  Better to keep my mouth shut than lose someone because I will believe with all my heart that they are prepared to just walk away if I screw up in the slightest or say anything close to, “I don’t agree,” or “That hurt.”  That’s not specific to anyone in particular.  It’s basically extreme projection of toxic self-hatred and I apply it to everyone.  I know that.  But my brain is too fucked up to let me really believe it.

There are a few things that are festering in me and I cannot bring myself to talk about them with the people I should be talking about them to.  I just can’t.  Whether or not it’s “reality,” I’ve already decided on some level that they’re right, I’m wrong, and I don’t deserve even a scrap of kindness.  Even if I did bring it up, how would I?  I’d phrase something poorly and blow it before I even got started and they’d be hurt.  But if I’m the horrible selfish person they say I am, why am I not willing to talk about these things?  I’d rather hurt myself than hurt them.  But I’m selfish.  I will never earn their forgiveness and I will never earn an apology for anything I think warrants one.  Never.  And how dare I even think that way?!?!

This is part of why I just want to give up.  What’s the point?  Wouldn’t everyone be better off if I just stopped trying?  If I just stopped trying to interact with anyone beyond basic courtesy, wouldn’t it be better?  Nobody would think they have to worry about upsetting me if they try to talk to me if I just went away.  I wouldn’t be able to let anyone down anymore.  They’d be free of me.  I’d kind of like to be free of me, too.  I don’t necessarily want to die.  Apart from death being one of my few actual phobias, my kid just lost a family member on his dad’s side of the family and I will not do that to him.  I don’t know what I want to do.  That’s one of the worst things about dealing with this stuff: the uncertainty of everything.  And feeling completely alone while trying to sort it out might be THE worst.  I do feel completely alone.

 

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