Another Letter to Me

     Hi again!
     It seemed like things were okay, huh?  You should have known that wouldn’t last.  You’re still you.  You’re still the same undeserving horrible bitch and hey! How’s that big reminder that nobody wants you around affecting you?  You knew it was coming this month and thought you’d braced yourself but you’re weak and selfish so it’s hitting like a ton of bricks.  You deserve the pain, you do know that, right?  Still not learning your lessons…Go ahead and add “stupid” to the list of adjectives needed to describe yourself.
     Why are you sticking around anyway?  Nobody would miss you and your death wouldn’t even register for most people.  Your family is scattered to the four winds except for your parents and your son and, I’m just being honest here, they’d get over it quickly.  You’re just an ATM machine to them.  They’d be happier without you.  Everyone, family or not, would be relieved that they didn’t have to put up with you anymore.  So if you’re thinking that you’d be causing people pain by killing yourself, you’re wrong.  You’d be making them happy by getting rid of a person that annoys them.  What are you waiting for?  People aren’t going to suddenly decide that you’re worth it.  You wound up in the same taco place as four coworkers the other day and you were so “worth it” that they avoided you!  The place is the size of a walk-in freezer and if you mattered at all, they probably would have sat with you and they didn’t.  You’re a walking, talking people repellent.  If you could bottle whatever quality it is that makes people avoid you, you could probably sell it and make a fortune.
     But you still can’t figure out a way to do it that would A. work B. be feasible, C. not be too painful, because you’re a fucking coward, & D. not leave a mess for people to clean up.  Just a thought, maybe you’re looking at the wrong websites to research the most effective method?  People do that shit everyday and they seem to manage it just fine.  Can’t even figure out how to off yourself…truly pathetic.
     Or maybe you’re sticking around in the hope that you’ll get up the courage to ask the question you’ve been wanting to ask for months.  Is that it?  Seriously, do you think people would be honest with you if you did ask?  Why does it even matter to you when they found out you had failed to kill yourself?  Nobody was even speaking to you at the time!  They were showing you that they didn’t care and that they were done with you and your bullshit, why would they have given a single fuck if you had actually succeeded?  Or maybe you’re hoping they will answer honestly and it’ll hurt so much you’ll get over your trepidation and just get a shotgun and shoot yourself?  Wait…you can’t afford one.  And because your dumb ass didn’t manage to kill yourself last time, you can’t legally buy one.  Scratch that idea, right?  Too bad because that’s the most effective method.  Can’t worry about getting sent back to the loony bin if you don’t have a head!
     You like the pain, don’t you?  You know you deserve it, that’s not in question.  And you still have this mad idea that if only they lied to you and apologized for their entirely justified words and actions that you might be okay.  How dare you expect anything from anyone else!  Selfish cunt.  YOU’RE the evil one.  YOU.  I’ll give you this though; at least you haven’t sent any unwelcome, unsolicited texts so as to inflict yourself on some people.  Wait, no.  I have to take back the praise because you still obsessively check your phone “just in case.”  And you were fucking crying at work!  What the fuck is wrong with you?!  That just makes people hate you more because they figure you’re just trying to drum up some sympathy and attention.  Rein in the crying, dumb ass.  You’re ruining your mask of “seriously, I’m okay” makeup and your contacts every single time you cry.  Although, if you cry at work and have to take your contacts out, your vision will be impaired while you’re driving home and you might get lucky and hug a pole or something.  You’ve been tempted to do that anyway, even wearing your contacts.  So there’s a thought.
     You’re going to keep being stupid and you won’t actually do anything so I’m sure I’ll write again.  Especially over the next few weeks.  Holy shit, you’re going to be a mess!  Dial the self-harm up to eleven by getting back on Facebook so you can keep up with all the cool shit you’ll never get to see in person!  Maybe you’ll be so upset, you’ll use an actual, brand-new razor blade that you nicked at work and not be a coward.  You’re too pathetic to even cut properly!  It just looks like you got into a fight with an OCD cat.  You’ll never do any damage that way.  Hey, remember when you told someone that you’d never be able to slit your wrists after watching that show?  Doesn’t seem as far-fetched now, does it?  It’s not a very effective method, though.  While I’m pretty sure you won’t come up with something that fits your conditions, you might just reach a point where those conditions don’t mean much.  HA!  I just thought of something else!  You haven’t made a will!  Remember, you’re an ATM machine, so you need to make sure you leave whatever meager insurance money you have to the people who would be losing that ATM machine.  You should probably check to see if the insurance company would pay up in a case of suicide, too.  If they wouldn’t, I guess your parents and son will be shit out of luck as far as money goes.  See?  You ARE selfish.  If you weren’t, you’d be more concerned about leaving them destitute in order to get what you want than you seem to be.
     Yeah, you’re stuck all right.  Resign yourself to crying and whining and playing with your Xacto knife.  This is now your life.  Accept it.  You created this mess, you deserve the pain, and you DON’T deserve any good things in your life because you can’t seem to appreciate them.  You have no right to expect, or hope for, a single damn thing from anybody.  Except their indifference/hatred/disgust/anger/derision.  You can and should expect that stuff.  THAT, if nothing else in your worthless life, you’ve earned.
Advertisements