Afraid

I’ve been okay for a little while and that scares me.  I know it won’t last.  I know exactly what’s going to “trigger” it too, I just don’t know the exact date.  When I’m feeling okay, like I am now, it’s almost unbelievable to me that I could have felt so hopeless and awful.  I guess that’s one reason to keep writing stuff here because the really awful posts “prove” that I really am capable of nearly giving up on life.  The last two posts I wrote here were written during the worst episode of depression I’ve experienced since last August.

This period of “not-feeling-like-the-worst-person-ever” is going to end and it’s going to end very soon and I’m scared.  What if this next episode is worse than the last one?  There isn’t a damn thing I can do to stave off the inevitable because the likely “triggering” event is beyond my control.  Sure, I can brace myself I guess but what does that even mean?  I’m already anticipating it.  “Stop worrying,” “Don’t overthink it,” and other such nonsensical garbage isn’t merely unhelpful; it’s bordering on mockery.  If it were that easy to fix, people wouldn’t have mental illnesses at all because, trust me, WE DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO STAY THIS WAY.

I don’t know what to do.  I guess I just have to act like everything is just great because anything else might adversely affect others but if something someone else says or does adversely affects me, that’s apparently acceptable.  I don’t even know when apologizing for things is warranted or not.  I don’t think I ever have.  Maybe I just have different standards when it comes to apologizing?  I know that it hurts deeply when people don’t apologize to me and I don’t want anyone else to have to feel that hurt so I apologize for stuff I haven’t even done.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of perspective and the other person interpreted my words/actions the wrong way but I still apologize because I know that it fucking HURTS SO MUCH to feel like that other person doesn’t care enough to consider a different point of view.  The anxiety disorder and years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse are factors too, of course.

June is not going to be a good month for me and I know that heading into it.  It was nice feeling good for a bit.  Oh well.

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