Letter to me

Hey, dumbass.  Yes, you.  The one sitting there trying to convince yourself that you matter.

When the fuck are you going to learn?  What will it take for it to really sink in that, despite being told as a kid by various uplifting TV shows and movies that you are special and valued and loved and irreplaceable, YOU DO NOT MATTER.

You’re not any of that stuff.  How is it that you haven’t gotten that through your head?  Remember the last time you tried to kill yourself?  (Nice job with that, by the way!  You failed.  Because OF COURSE YOU FUCKING FAILED.)  What happened with that?  When you got home, I mean?

Nobody even noticed you’d been gone.  Except for the people at work because you not being there meant they had to do more work.  You, as an individual, were not missed.  Sure, people read your blog but hell, who doesn’t love to point and laugh at the pathetic loser who can’t even manage to successfully kill themselves?

Yes, your presence in the lives of other people mattered so much that your absence wasn’t even noticed.  Maybe some were even bummed that you didn’t manage to actually die because you know what?  You deserve that.

You deserve to die.  You deserve to be shut out.  You destroyed the trust of the people you cared about the most and you hurt them so much that they wanted nothing to do with you.  You’re never getting that trust back.

But!  And here’s the lesson you keep missing: you hoped you would.  You hoped it would all be okay.  Just like every other time you let yourself hope for anything.  You’re Charlie Brown.  You go to kick that football every time Lucy sets it up because JUST MAYBE this time will be different.  You end up on your ass every time.

Because you deserve it.

“Manipulative.”

“Utterly inconsequential.”

“Just another…”

“I almost believed you…”

“Selfish.”

“Crazy bitch.”

“Crazy bitch with no heart.”

“…probably cry tears of acid.”

“Stupid.”

“Gullible.”

“Utterly inconsequential.”

“Utterly inconsequential.”

“Utterly inconsequential.”

What the fuck did you expect?!  Nobody wants to trust you with anything.  Nobody wants to talk to you.  Why would they?  All you’ve done is hurt them.  In one way or another, that’s all you’ve done.  If you care so fucking much about all of these people, why are you not just leaving them the hell alone?  They’d be better off.  You can’t expect people to put up with you.  It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to you either, although that hardly matters.  Yeah, it hurts to get your hopes up and things not turning out the way you wanted them to.  What do you think it does to these people you claim to love when you keep fucking up?

You don’t matter because you know you don’t deserve it.  But you keep hoping you’re wrong and that maybe this time, someone will give you love, trust, and friendship even though you and they know you don’t deserve it.  Everyone gets hurt.  Nobody wins.

You don’t even have the guts to try to take yourself out again.  Because if you fuck it up again, you’ll go back to that hospital.  And you don’t have the guts to risk it.  So just go ahead and keep hitting yourself and slicing up your arms like the pathetic moron you know you are.  And keep on grieving for what you lost knowing that you lost it because you’re just a stupid, crazy bitch.  Go on and keep taking every little fucking thing personally because you seem to WANT to hurt yourself and even if others aren’t trying to hurt you, you think they are because that’s what you know you deserve.

Or, if you don’t have the guts to try and end it, just leave everyone the fuck alone.  Stop trying to force your way into the lives of people that don’t deserve to be inflicted with your presence.  Don’t have the guts for that either, do you?  But you’re going to have to pick one because you don’t have any other options.

Happy nightmares, stupid little emo bitch!

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