I did exactly what I said I shouldn’t and wouldn’t do: I read “Thirteen Reasons Why.” Honestly, it didn’t affect me as much as the show but it DID affect me. Mostly it got me thinking about whether or not doing my own version of Hannah’s cassette tapes would help me get a better grip on things. I don’t mean I would write something for specific people and send it to them or post it online calling them out by name, of course. But if I did write something here maybe I’d get a better idea of how I got where I am today because, as the book points out, “everything affects everything.” And obviously I wouldn’t kill myself after doing so because I’m not suicidal. Lonely, scared, depressed, confused, mentally and emotionally exhausted, wracked with guilt, and hurt, yes. Suicidal, no.
It wasn’t as clear in the show but in the book, Hannah explains that when she thought about all of the things that had happened to her that contributed to her decision to kill herself, she realized they were all connected somehow. That’s true for me, too. I hadn’t really given it any thought until I saw the series and read the book. If I were to write about each thing, on its own, would I learn anything about myself? I don’t think I want to start tonight since I don’t really know yet exactly where I would start, but I’ll definitely be thinking about it. I’ll have plenty of time over the weekend to actually do it since I spend every weekend shut up in my house because I feel like I’m not wanted anywhere so I don’t even try to make plans. The last time I wanted to go somewhere, I wound up with a migraine and couldn’t go. And of course I doubt anyone believed I actually had a migraine since I’ve backed out of plans so often because catastrophizing is my specialty. I almost hate weekends now because days off mean that I have nothing to distract me from self-destruction and while it might mean I get to sleep in, it also means a lot of crying, thinking, and isolation. I gave up on Facebook so I don’t even have that to distract me anymore. So I’ll have nothing but time this weekend to see if writing helps sort out my thoughts. I guess that’s better than nothing.