This is all I have

I can’t seem to really talk to anyone anymore.  I’m too afraid to.  I have no idea if what I feel in any given situation is warranted or if it’s just an overreaction.  Even if I somehow convince myself that it is indeed warranted and that I should talk to the other person (if another person is involved) I can’t bring myself to do it because they might misunderstand me and be hurt.  Sure, there’s merit in taking a step back and thinking about things but that is ALL I DO now.  “I can’t say that because they might think I mean this when I don’t mean that at all,” “What if I’m just acting crazy again?  If I am just acting crazy, that only shows people that I must not be trying to be better and they’ll be absolutely justified in walking away and never speaking to me again,” “If I’m not acting crazy and I should bring this up, how can I possibly do that when it might hurt people?”  So on goes the hamster wheel in my head…

All I can do is write.  That’s all.  This blog is just me trying to take things out of my head and try to examine them in a different way.  In theory, anyway.  I often feel like I should just stop writing on this blog because what I write might upset people.  But this is all I have now.  I can’t actually talk to anyone so if I give this up, I have nothing at all.  I’ve stopped engaging on social media, I try not to talk to people at work, I try not to text people often, and I sure as hell don’t actually call anyone and this isolation is damn near unbearable.  I don’t know what else to do, though.  I have some coping mechanisms but they’re not ideal.  They’re pretty harmful, actually.  Not to anyone but me though.  I’m an expert in self-destruction and self-mutilation, physical or otherwise.

I used to hope that there might be someone out there who was willing to talk to me without passing judgement, without getting annoyed with me, without invalidating my feelings.  They would be okay with sometimes just letting me literally cry on their shoulder and they wouldn’t try to “fix” me.  They would be able to tell if I needed them without me coming to them and asking for help because that’s another thing I can’t do.  I will not ask for help when I need it.  And I got pretty good at lying to anyone who did ask if I need someone.  This imaginary person would stand up to me and not take that.  But I stopped hoping for that because that’s actually really selfish of me and I should not expect that from anyone.  This is all on me.  And I hate it.  It’s too much.

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