I guess it’s been a while since I wrote anything. I had been doing really well, I thought. Then I started falling apart again on Sunday.
I think I know what set it off. A whole bunch of stuff kind of set up a pyre and then one stupid thing lit a match and tossed it on and got the pyre burning. Dealing with an ear infection that just did not want to quit was the first thing. I saw the ENT specialist today for the third – and what I sincerely hope is the last – time and he pronounced me free and clear. I’ve been working ten hour shifts at work and not getting as much sleep as I usually do, so that’s the second thing. I kind of like getting there at six instead of eight, to be honest. It’s nice being able to park close to the entrance, especially when it rains. If I could leave at three after a normal eight hour shift, that would be awesome! Just a few days here and there doing tens wouldn’t be bad but keeping it up can take its toll and if I don’t sleep, that can set me up for an emotional relapse.
I don’t particularly care if people think less of me because of this, but the transition from President Obama to Trump was another contributing factor. I keep seeing this picture on Pinterest and Facebook, and I have to say that it’s fairly accurate:
Some of that stress comes from seeing posts that are just ripping anti-Trump people, like me, to shreds because we don’t just meekly accept everything coming out of this monstrous administration. SO MANY HYPOCRITES! “We didn’t act this way over Obama!” is a common criticism and if I decided to respond individually to every person saying that by simply QUOTING THEIR PAST POSTS, I’d be on Facebook for eternity. It’s disheartening to see my eighteen-year-old niece posting that crap and I desperately want to try to talk to her but I’ve been instructed not to do so because if I do, her and the other kids will not be allowed to speak to me ever again. Fun times.
I also attended the Women’s March in San Francisco last Saturday with my friends and most of their family. I was terrified and wanted to cancel very badly but I could not let myself back out. I only ended up having one minor panic attack! I was still terrified a lot of the time because being in the middle of a huge crowd in a place far from home is the stuff agoraphobic nightmares are made from but I managed. It was actually really great. I was shocked by how NICE everyone was! When I was having a hard time, we were trying to navigate through the crowd and I kept repeating to everyone we passed, “Sorrysorrysorry,” while shaking and crying and everyone was SO NICE about it! Prior to the March, we walked around a lot and I think I sat down for all of five minutes that entire time. The next time I sat down was when we were on the BART back to Dublin/Pleasanton for the drive home. It was pouring down rain for a while, too. Still, I had an awesome time. It took a lot out of me, though. Seeing posts bashing the Marches and the people that attended them hasn’t been fun either. I’ve managed to not engage in any arguments but the willful ignorance of these posts gets my blood up every time.
Then I watched “Sherlock.” I had caught up on all but the last episode of series four and I watched that on Sunday. Yeah, it’s just a show. I know that. But I’m a nerd and a geek so of course I get emotionally invested in stuff like that. All three episodes of series four were brutal gut punches for me. The last one most of all. I had to stop the episode after one scene in particular and I just sobbed for a good half an hour. Thanks, Moffatt! Thanks, Gatiss! You guys are brilliant, but seriously, fuck you for that.
There’s a bit of work stress going on, along with some family stuff, but that’s what set me up for an emotional relapse in a nutshell. I think when I started writing this I was going to mention what triggered it and what I’ve been feeling and thinking but I’m not going to. It doesn’t matter. I feel slightly better right now and dragging myself through it again would not be good. Also, I’m tired. It’s barely six o’clock and I’m ready for bed. Yay for getting old!