I hate this

sensitive

I want to go back and delete what I wrote last night but that doesn’t solve anything.  It might not be the worst thing I’ve ever written but it doesn’t make it okay.  Today, I feel ridiculous for writing it and I’m positive that anyone who read it is done with me because I’m too much to deal with and not worth it.

I hate dealing with this: the depression, anxiety, borderline traits, whatever it is that makes me feel worthless all the time.  I hate what it does to me, I hate what it does to others, and even if I think I’m making progress, the slightest misstep just makes me want to give up.  Now I feel like I have to grovel at the feet of anyone that read last night’s post and beg forgiveness and seek reassurance that I didn’t drive them off.  Again.

I feel like I have to be perfect all the time and if I feel hurt or something, that I have no right to even let the thought that someone else might be less than perfect cross my mind because I KNOW that I’M the bad one.  Everyone else is perfect.  I’m horrible.  Then the feeling will pass but if I’ve said or done something that expressed anything I was feeling during a particularly bad moment that just makes things worse but in a different way.  I’ll be convinced that nobody wants me around.

Dealing with all of this is on me.  I know that.  I can’t expect anyone to help me because I’m not their problem.  I am trying to learn how to deal with it.  I really am.  I just don’t think that anything I do is good enough to convince people of that.  I can’t keep apologizing and expecting that to fix anything.  That’s why I isolate myself.  I’m sick of hurting people and feeling hurt.  I’m sick of being a burden.  If I have to deal with anyone in person, I won’t look at them or talk to them and I won’t engage them online because I know that all I do is hurt people.  No, I don’t want to be alone all the time.  I just don’t see any other alternative.  I understand why people haven’t refriended me on Facebook or interacted with me on there.  I wouldn’t want to deal with me either if I had the choice.

For what it’s worth, if anyone read last night’s post and was hurt by it and is by some miracle reading this now, I truly am sorry.  Please don’t worry about doing or saying anything that might hurt me or feel like you’re walking on eggshells.  I hate that I make people feel like that.

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