I want to go back and delete what I wrote last night but that doesn’t solve anything. It might not be the worst thing I’ve ever written but it doesn’t make it okay. Today, I feel ridiculous for writing it and I’m positive that anyone who read it is done with me because I’m too much to deal with and not worth it.
I hate dealing with this: the depression, anxiety, borderline traits, whatever it is that makes me feel worthless all the time. I hate what it does to me, I hate what it does to others, and even if I think I’m making progress, the slightest misstep just makes me want to give up. Now I feel like I have to grovel at the feet of anyone that read last night’s post and beg forgiveness and seek reassurance that I didn’t drive them off. Again.
I feel like I have to be perfect all the time and if I feel hurt or something, that I have no right to even let the thought that someone else might be less than perfect cross my mind because I KNOW that I’M the bad one. Everyone else is perfect. I’m horrible. Then the feeling will pass but if I’ve said or done something that expressed anything I was feeling during a particularly bad moment that just makes things worse but in a different way. I’ll be convinced that nobody wants me around.
Dealing with all of this is on me. I know that. I can’t expect anyone to help me because I’m not their problem. I am trying to learn how to deal with it. I really am. I just don’t think that anything I do is good enough to convince people of that. I can’t keep apologizing and expecting that to fix anything. That’s why I isolate myself. I’m sick of hurting people and feeling hurt. I’m sick of being a burden. If I have to deal with anyone in person, I won’t look at them or talk to them and I won’t engage them online because I know that all I do is hurt people. No, I don’t want to be alone all the time. I just don’t see any other alternative. I understand why people haven’t refriended me on Facebook or interacted with me on there. I wouldn’t want to deal with me either if I had the choice.
For what it’s worth, if anyone read last night’s post and was hurt by it and is by some miracle reading this now, I truly am sorry. Please don’t worry about doing or saying anything that might hurt me or feel like you’re walking on eggshells. I hate that I make people feel like that.