Four months, twenty years, none of it matters

Getting over the ear infection and bronchitis has taken most of my energy and while I know that writing something would probably help my frame of mind, my brain doesn’t seem to want to form coherent thoughts.  But I do have a bunch of stuff from Pinterest that reflects how I feel so I’ll just post that stuff.

Honestly, if someone wanted to gauge my mental state and emotional well-being, looking at my Pinterest stuff would be a fairly accurate way to accomplish that.  I’ve been using Twitter very occasionally and while I did get on Facebook for a minute today, I haven’t looked at any posts or anything on there.  Everything I post to Twitter or on this blog automatically publishes to my Facebook timeline so it might look like I’m active on there but I’m not.  Pinterest is the only “social media” thing I use regularly and I don’t really interact with people on there so I’m not even sure that it counts.  I’m sick of being lonely and scared.  But I don’t want the anxiety and depression to get worse so I stay away from social media.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  I might give it a shot after the holidays are over.  The next week or so is going to be tough because this particular handful of days in December are always tough for me.  And this year I can add another kind of fucked up “anniversary” to it since yesterday marked four months since I tried to kill myself.  Tomorrow would be my twentieth wedding anniversary had we not gotten divorced.  It’s not that I’m wishing those things hadn’t happened or anything like that, it’s just that I overthink things even more than I usually do around this time of year.  Being with family and friends helped to mitigate the pain associated with that stuff but I no longer have as many of those people as I used to.  No one needs to worry about me because of all this but I won’t lie and pretend that I’m not hurting.

Possibly useful notes about the pictures below:

1. MY absence.  MY presence.


2. Yep.  I’m afraid I’m being annoying so I don’t initiate contact most of the time.  With anyone.  Some more than others, yes, but I pretty much feel like this all the time.


3. And saying things like that just makes people feel worse.  So shut up.


4. I think about Wizard’s Fourth Rule when I see this about apologizing, which, I know isn’t quite the same thing as forgiveness, but still…


5. I still wonder if it’s too late to fix anything or try to rebuild.


6. Same comment from 5 applies here.


7. This isn’t Tumblr, obviously, but the point still stands.


8. I feel like I’m begging for people to talk to me if I contact them first.  So the previous comment on 2 applies here as well.


9. Definitely.  There are some things that cannot be fixed or otherwise returned to their previous state.


10. This is from a Photoplasty.


11. Especially the friends that haven’t talked to me about all that’s happened in the past four months.  Only one of them has and the others likely never will.  I can’t help but think of it as “love me, love my dog” and because one of them has talked to me, the others simply feel obligated to tolerate me.  But this applies to most people I know, not just them.


12. Since I was a kid.  Always.


13. Pretty self-explanatory.  This is always going to hurt.



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