I shall NOT go to the ball


The Christmas party is tonight.  I’m not going.  There’s a tiny part of me that wanted to go even if I couldn’t go with the same people I used to go with so I’m kind of sad that I’m not going.  But it’s best that I don’t go for many reasons and one of those reasons is this ear infection and another is that I’m emotionally and mentally adrift.

The ear is finally getting better.  It took three antibiotics, two trips to the doctor, and three days off work but it seems to be improving.  I’ve never even heard of the antibiotic I’m on now but the doctor did say that if it didn’t work, I would have to get antibiotic injections three days in a row.  My hearing in that ear still isn’t normal but at least I’m not crying in pain.

As far as what to do about rebuilding these friendships…  I don’t know how to come back from – as far as I knew – having lost them for good.  Only one of them has actually talked to me about everything that’s happened and she’s said that the other two will likely never talk about it.  They’d prefer to act like nothing ever happened.  I don’t see how it’s possible to try to rebuild our friendships if they won’t even acknowledge everything that’s happened and talk about it.  I’m not going to try to force them to discuss it but I can’t pretend that nothing happened.  All I can do is be a courteous co-worker with the one I work with and be polite if I see the other.  But I don’t know what’s supposed to happen now.  I’ve gotten so used to being alone and dealing with everything by myself and not factoring anyone else into anything I do that I have no idea how to be their friend anymore.

I don’t know if they’re planning on going tonight.  And if I went, even if I knew they weren’t going to be there, I’d still be looking for them.  I’d still be thinking of nothing but them.  That’s pretty much a day-to-day thing, though.  But I wouldn’t be able to deal with being at that party.


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