I actually went a few days without crying this past week. I didn’t cry on Wednesday, Thursday, or yesterday. Well, I did a little bit yesterday but I wasn’t crying because I was sad or upset. I was crying because it feels like someone is stabbing an ice pick into my ear. I stayed home from work and the doctor ended up calling in a second antibiotic. I spent the majority of the day in bed reading with a warm compress on the ear.
I have been crying today. Kind of a lot. I was thinking about why anyone would want me to be part of their lives because even though I do make mistakes, I must have some redeeming qualities, right? But I can’t think of any. I was trying to come up with things that I might have done RIGHT and I came up empty. If I do come up with something that someone else has told me that they appreciate about me, I usually just end up thinking that I must have them fooled. All I can think about is all the horrible things they told me: I’m malicious. I try to control people. Everything has to be done my way. I expect too much. They walk on eggshells around me. Utterly inconsequential.
I don’t know if I really believe those things about myself but for someone to have said those things to me, that must be how I am. I don’t want to believe those things but how can I not? They came from my closest friends rather than from people I don’t know very well.
Why would anyone want to know me? If all I do is make people miserable, how can I justify trying to repair these friendships? Wouldn’t everyone be better off with me out of their lives? I don’t understand why they would want to talk to me after all that’s happened. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt them again, I’m afraid that they’ll hurt me again, and I’m afraid that if I do let them back in, they could decide at any moment that I’m not worth it and walk away for good. I want to believe in second chances and all of that, but usually once something is broken, it’s broken. Done. I can do things differently and change my behavior but if I slip up, how can I expect them to stick around? Then there’s the thoughts I don’t want to think but do anyway: they had promised to do something and then didn’t. I’m afraid to trust them but I can’t help but feel like I would deserve all the pain I would feel if they didn’t keep a promise. I feel like I need them far more than they need me. And I can lie to myself all I want about how I don’t need anyone, but I know it’s a lie because I do need certain people. I hate admitting that. Needing people makes you weak, that’s what I’ve always been told.
This current mood will pass, and I know that. I go through many different emotions every single day. A few small steps here and there are better than nothing and I just have to let it be. But it’s hard to see that right now because I can’t imagine why anyone would want me around. I do want to talk to people but I feel like I would be bothering them, no matter who it is. I don’t want to initiate anything with anyone. I feel like I don’t have the right to do that.
I’m going to heat up my compress thingy again and read. Being depressed while in pain pretty much blows. It’s also weird that I’m essentially deaf in my right ear so it kind of feels like I have that side of my head underwater or something. In late January, I had bilateral ear infection and at the time, I was writing in a “mini-journal” on my phone. This about sums up how well I’m dealing with this latest ear infection:
I’ve been through labor and delivery, had ovarian cysts rupture, had bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome and surgery, and broken my right collar bone. I’ve caught my finger in an industrial embroidery machine twice, once with the needle going entirely through the finger. I’ve burned myself in the kitchen more times than I care to count and cut myself with various sharp instruments. I’m not a stranger to pain. I would take all of those all over again over this. Just fuck everything about this.
For the record, I hadn’t had an ear infection since I was a kid. This latest makes two in just THIS YEAR. I do believe I’ve mentioned that 2016 can fuck right off. And it’s not over yet! Plenty of time for more awful shit to happen! Yay! (No, I’ve never been what one might call an optimist. You have your “glass half-full” people and your “glass half-empty” people and then there’s me; it doesn’t matter how much is in the glass because the water is probably poisoned anyway.)