Not a great day

Today has been one long, drawn-out emotional roller coaster and I have no idea why.  No, that’s not completely true.  Some of it might be hormonal.  A lot of it is just uncertainty.  And I WANT to talk and explain how I’m feeling but I can’t.  It would feel like I was trying to guilt trip or control them and while that’s not my intention, I can’t forget that they told me that was how they perceived it.  They said they would write back and I said I had no right to expect anything from them, even a reply.  But that doesn’t make it hurt any less when days and days pass with no answer.  I want to ask if I’ve done something else wrong and that’s why there’s no reply but I talk myself out of that because how dare I not trust their word?  Then there’s part of me that wants to mentally and emotionally let go and give up on trying to fix things.  Either way, I can’t help but think the worst of myself because I can see how they would view anything I said or did as being manipulative.

So I just sit here.  I go from feeling hurt, scared, angry, hopeless, and helpless in the course of just a few hours.  I’ll waste time on Pinterest pinning things that reflect how I’m feeling at the moment and it gets to be just an insidious feedback loop of self-harm via wallowing in misery.  And I know myself too well to actually believe that I’d really give up on them and walk away.

It still hurts.  And I can’t tell them that.


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