Today has been one long, drawn-out emotional roller coaster and I have no idea why. No, that’s not completely true. Some of it might be hormonal. A lot of it is just uncertainty. And I WANT to talk and explain how I’m feeling but I can’t. It would feel like I was trying to guilt trip or control them and while that’s not my intention, I can’t forget that they told me that was how they perceived it. They said they would write back and I said I had no right to expect anything from them, even a reply. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less when days and days pass with no answer. I want to ask if I’ve done something else wrong and that’s why there’s no reply but I talk myself out of that because how dare I not trust their word? Then there’s part of me that wants to mentally and emotionally let go and give up on trying to fix things. Either way, I can’t help but think the worst of myself because I can see how they would view anything I said or did as being manipulative.
So I just sit here. I go from feeling hurt, scared, angry, hopeless, and helpless in the course of just a few hours. I’ll waste time on Pinterest pinning things that reflect how I’m feeling at the moment and it gets to be just an insidious feedback loop of self-harm via wallowing in misery. And I know myself too well to actually believe that I’d really give up on them and walk away.
It still hurts. And I can’t tell them that.