Truly, I am an idiot

It’s now been three months since I tried to kill myself because I lost my best friends.  I have cried my eyes out every single day since August 14th and while I wouldn’t say I’m actively suicidal, I certainly still have moments where I wish I was dead.  As in, at least once a day.

Saturday will be two weeks since one of them said that she’d write a comprehensive reply to my email, which was in response to her text.  I feel like I’m a convicted criminal awaiting the sentencing phase of my trial.  I can lie to myself and others all I like about how I won’t let this uncertainty affect me, but it does.  Every time my phone alerts me to a new email or text I find myself hoping against hope that it’s her.  It never is.  And my heart breaks a little more every time when I don’t see an email from her.

This is only going to get worse in the weeks leading up to the holidays.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  In the past, I would be looking forward to going to their house for dinner.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that that won’t be the case this year.  I’m not even sure if my brother and his kids are going to come down here this time.  This time of year is ALWAYS terrible for me because it seems as though the truly catastrophic things happen around this time.  Not to mention the good things that have happened that are now just painful memories.  I hate this time of year.  Every year I wonder if I’ll snap and try to kill myself but it’s never been bad enough for me to actually reach that point.  I’m truly afraid that I will this year.

I say I’m an idiot for many reasons but right now, I’m an idiot for thinking that anything good could come from reading and replying to her text.  I should have deleted it unread.  I didn’t and now I’m stuck in limbo again, just like I was in the first days after that party.  As for the one I work with, I can’t shake this feeling that I’m making him miserable just by being in the same building.  There’s no hope for attempting communication there, either.  What in the hell could we possibly say to one another?  And even if there was something, work is not the place for it.  Making myself go to work and function semi-normally is exhausting.  I continue to try and keep up this “tough” persona and pretend I don’t see him and if he comes into the office area, I stick both earbuds in and crank up the volume on the music because I can’t bear to hear his voice.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up before I snap again.

I could never really grasp why, but I felt so SAFE around him.  I felt safe around the others, too, but not as much.  Then I saw this pop up on Pinterest and it clicked and I sobbed for a good long time after:

i-miss-you-so-much-cy

Now I’m terrified of him.  I’ll catch myself shaking and gritting my teeth when I go outside on break or lunch because it takes so much out of me to deal with being in close proximity to someone I trusted implicitly but now wants nothing to do with me.  Sometimes I’ll break down sobbing when I get into my car at the end of the day.  I don’t want to make him miserable and I’m sick of being miserable myself.  I almost want to ask him, somehow, if he wants me to leave but that would require an answer, which is something that none of them seem to want to give.  I’m not willing to open myself up to that deafening silence again.  There’s no way I’d be able to handle it.  Particularly not now with the holidays.

Again, I felt safe around the others, too.  It was when I WASN’T with them, physically, that I was scared or upset.  They weren’t just my friends.  They were family.  I’m facing a holiday season without most of my blood-related family and all of my not blood-related family.  And I don’t think I can do it.  Suicide would come as a relief after dealing with all of this because it hurts so much ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  And even if we all eventually started talking again, it wouldn’t necessarily be better because how in the hell can they trust me after this?  How can I trust them?  This is going to hurt as long as I live because those relationships were destroyed.  By me.

I don’t want to feel anymore.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  I don’t want to keep feeling my heart skip a beat when I get a new email or text because I’m hoping that they’ll contact me.  I don’t want to keep walking around that building pretending I don’t see or hear this person that made me feel safe just by him being in the same building.  I don’t want to keep skipping every song in my music library that has any connection with her and any memories made with her.  With all of them, including their kids.  I don’t want this anymore.  Any of it.

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1 thought on “Truly, I am an idiot”

  1. The fact that you are still here and talking means that not all of you has given up, and that is a good thing. The world would be a terrible place without you in it. I don’t know your story, but I recognize it. I know how it feels to want to take the final step, and have that urge every day. I struggle with it myself. But you are here, right now, and some part of you is fighting to stay here because it knows that THIS is not ALL.

    Liked by 1 person

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