Prayer to something, anything


Remember when Jim Carrey was still funny and did “Bruce Almighty?”  Pretty ridiculous movie but it had some funny scenes in it but the scene that made the biggest impression on me wasn’t one of the funny ones.

It’s the scene where Bruce’s ex-girlfriend Grace, Jennifer Aniston’s character, is praying and Bruce is listening in because God turned over his powers to Bruce for a while.  It’s when Bruce finally realizes how wrong he’s been and from there it’s all happily ever after.  It’s one of the saddest scenes I can think of because she’s not praying for them to get back together, or for Bruce to get a dose of karma.  She’s praying to not love him anymore.  She’s praying to let go of him.

Here.  If you can’t watch a video, here’s the dialogue:

“Dear God, I need you now more than ever.  Please, God.  Please.  I still love him.  But I don’t want to love him anymore.  I don’t want to hurt anymore.  Please.  Help me forget.  Please help me to let it go.  Please help me let him go.”

I don’t necessarily have a particular deity in mind, but that’s what I’m praying for now.  I’m praying to not love them anymore.  I’m praying to stop hurting.  To let them go.  I had started to, I thought.  I’m not doing so well with that at the moment though.

I don’t know if I came off as particularly bitchy today at work, but I sure felt like I did.  In addition to my daily battle armor of clothing, makeup, and heeled boots that make a particularly satisfying, empowering sound when I walk, I also don this “tough” persona before work.  I’m trying to come off like nothing can bother me and I try to pretend that this person I used to be friends with isn’t there.  That’s really fucking difficult to pull off if I have to walk a couple of feet from him on my way in and that was how I started my day.  He used to jokingly call me a “crazy bitch,” say that I didn’t have a heart, and once he said that if I cried, I must cry tears of acid.  (He says he doesn’t remember saying that, but he totally did.  It was funny at the time.)  I’ll agree with “crazy bitch” most of the time.  I’m one of those women that doesn’t really get offended when I’m called a “bitch” because most of the time people use that against women that simply won’t take shit.  I will gladly claim “bitch.”

But no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise, I do have a heart.  Trust me, I wish I didn’t.  The characters I most admire are usually those that don’t allow emotions to interfere with anything, or those that technically can’t feel emotion.  Like Spock and Data in Star Trek.  And if I cried tears of acid, I’d be nothing but bleached bone by now, and that would just be counting the past two months or so.  I can try to hide how much everything hurts but it still hurts.  And this “tough” persona I’m trying to hide behind is exhausting to maintain but I’m afraid that if I don’t, I’ll break.  I felt like I was projecting WAY more “bitch” today than usual.  I feel fucking horrible about it.

I’m still trying to figure out who or what this prayer should go to because I DON’T want to hurt anymore.  I DON’T want to love them anymore.  I don’t want them to hurt anymore.  I don’t want them to love me anymore, if they still do.  No matter how many apologies are said, the damage is done and it will always hurt.  Even if the most unlikely scenario should occur and we all end up being friends again, it will still hurt.  The things I said and did will always hurt them.  Them not speaking to me after several honest attempts to set things right will always hurt me.  Maybe me walking around work acting like the “crazy bitch” he always said I was hurts him.  Maybe my response to her text hurt her.  Maybe me unfriending all of them and their family members hurt every single person I unfriended.  I just want all of the hurt to stop and I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t care how it stops.  I just want it to stop.  For everyone.

Please, God, Goddess, Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever.  Please.  Maybe I’ll just go with Goddess.  Does it even matter?