Silence IS an answer


I’m fighting the temptation to get back on Facebook.  I know it’s not good for me because the people I lost are friends with many other people I know and I really don’t want to look at their comments or reactions.  Also, this stinking election isn’t over yet and I’m sure Facebook is rife with vitriol from both “sides.”  I don’t need that.

But I’m bored and I’m lonely.  I did manage to find this channel on YouTube and after watching several of her videos, I really wish I’d found it long ago.  She has a lot of helpful stuff on there and she’s engaging without being annoyingly perky or condescending.

I went ahead and responded to that text.  Maybe I’m not explaining myself clearly or something but I feel like this is just going in circles.  I just want to be understood.  That’s all.  I’m not sure if anything can be fixed at this point but I do feel like I’m handling things better.  I wrote a very long email and got a fairly short response indicating that a longer one would be forthcoming and instead of hitting myself, cutting, or finding depressing stuff on Pinterest while waiting for that response, I’m going about my day.  I don’t think I have any expectations either.  I’m kind of frustrated that my point seems to have been missed but I guess that can be another conversation if the communication continues.  What’s the worst that can happen?  They’re already gone.  The damage has been done and I had given up on the thought of fixing things so it’s not like there’s anything left I can lose.  There will be a response or there won’t.  It won’t break me either way.  I won’t let it.

I was actually prompted to look up videos on YouTube for DBT because I’m getting bored and lonely and that can set me off to do self-destructive things.  DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.  The channel I wound up on covers a wide range of mental illnesses and disorders but I was looking for ways to “distract” myself and DBT goes into that quite a bit.  This is all stuff that I need to learn and I should have sought out a long time ago.  For myself.  I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I’d even known this kind of thing existed but I didn’t.  What’s done is done.  I have to fix me FOR ME because I don’t want to feel like the world’s most terrible person anymore.

It’s almost scary how many different emotions I’ve experienced since I decided to read that text.  I have not “acted out” on any of them.  I’ve been intensely angry, sad, scared, ashamed, defensive, confused, powerless, inferior, hated, guilty, rejected, neglected, hopeless, resentful, and hurt all in a fairly short amount of time and I think (considering how severely I have reacted to my emotions in the past) I’ve done really well.

And I know it sounds weird, but this election is NOT FUCKING HELPING.  I’m definitely not the only one, though.  These are the search results for “election related stress.”  The cold open for SNL last night had me crying.  Not because it was horrible but because it would be wonderful to think that people will be kinder to one another after this is over but I really doubt that will happen.  To be fair, it doesn’t take much to set me off crying these days.  Sometimes, it doesn’t take anything at all.  This best friends breakup is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.  Getting divorced didn’t hurt this much.  Anything with an element of forgiveness to it sets me off bawling.  Crying doesn’t really count as “acting out” for me, and it’s become a normal, several times a day thing.  The grief is always there.

You have no idea what it takes for me to get up in the morning, get ready for work, and then function while at work.  Last week was my first full week back and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to get through the day when I’m sharing the building with a walking, talking reminder of that pain.  I’m doing it, though.  I’ll continue to do it.  I don’t have any other viable options.  I have no idea that if by communicating with one, communication with the others will follow.  I’m still not sure if that’s what I want.  I certainly won’t be initiating any communication.  I tried that.  I tried that both before and after I tried to kill myself.  Silence in and of itself is an answer.  That was the answer I received.  I took it to heart.  Maybe they aren’t aware of the damage “the silent treatment” can inflict.