Can’t afford it


A great thing happened between the time I posted my last entry here and the time I got home from work on Tuesday.  I finally, after over a year, felt some measure of peace within myself.  I wouldn’t say I felt totally better and that everything was healed but I finally felt like I COULD get to that point.  I felt like I could be okay and get past all this and let them go.

Then on Wednesday morning I got a text from one of them.

No, I didn’t read it.  I still haven’t.  I don’t plan to.  I had JUST started to accept things as they are now.  I have no idea what the contents of this message are and I know I will not be able to read it and/or respond to it in a sane and rational manner.  Why now?!  All I want to do is pick myself up and get on with my life.  I had concluded that I would not be contacted by them and I HAD JUST STARTED TO BE OKAY WITH IT.

It took me a lot to get there.  Just seeing that I had a message from one of them could set me back but I’m not going to let it.  I can’t.  I have to live.  I have to stop letting this control me.  I have to stop beating myself up over everything.  Maybe I’ll get to a point where I could read it without it making me want to hurt myself again.  I don’t know.  But for now, I have to let it sit unread.  I’m fighting for my sanity and my life here.  I have no desire to allow someone else to interfere in that fight.  I can’t afford to.