A great thing happened between the time I posted my last entry here and the time I got home from work on Tuesday. I finally, after over a year, felt some measure of peace within myself. I wouldn’t say I felt totally better and that everything was healed but I finally felt like I COULD get to that point. I felt like I could be okay and get past all this and let them go.
Then on Wednesday morning I got a text from one of them.
No, I didn’t read it. I still haven’t. I don’t plan to. I had JUST started to accept things as they are now. I have no idea what the contents of this message are and I know I will not be able to read it and/or respond to it in a sane and rational manner. Why now?! All I want to do is pick myself up and get on with my life. I had concluded that I would not be contacted by them and I HAD JUST STARTED TO BE OKAY WITH IT.
It took me a lot to get there. Just seeing that I had a message from one of them could set me back but I’m not going to let it. I can’t. I have to live. I have to stop letting this control me. I have to stop beating myself up over everything. Maybe I’ll get to a point where I could read it without it making me want to hurt myself again. I don’t know. But for now, I have to let it sit unread. I’m fighting for my sanity and my life here. I have no desire to allow someone else to interfere in that fight. I can’t afford to.