Not sleeping…

I can’t sleep.  That hasn’t happened in a while, to be honest.  And while I wasn’t sleeping, I had a painful thought:

I had tried to talk to them sincerely, in the most heartfelt way I could in those first couple of weeks.  They didn’t respond.  The only time any of them responded was after I had lashed out and the response was scathing.  The only thing I was deserving of was their utter contempt.

Hell no, it wasn’t right for me to do or say whatever it was I did or said.  And while I still don’t know for certain what that stuff was, I think I have a pretty good idea.  I was way out of line.

I did try to communicate that I was sorry, that I felt horrible, all of that.  I still feel that way.  And I’ve given up on any further communication, despite my therapist suggesting that I attempt to contact them again.  It just hit me that the reason for that is they only wanted to respond to my hurtful message lashing out at them and not to any of the others.  Why beg for more of the same?  I’m doing a great job mentally beating the shit out of myself, I don’t need any help with it.

I have an appointment at 9 in the morning with the therapist.  Then I’m supposed to go back to work on the 24th.  I have to go back to what feels like a hostile environment.  Do I stick it out and just hope I get used to it?  Or do I leave for good?  I’ve thought about doing that a lot lately.  I have no idea where I’d get another job but I don’t see that I have any other choice.  Not if I want to completely get better and get over all of this.  I know most people wouldn’t understand that and that’s fine.  They don’t have to.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

That little moment of clarity is going to keep me up for the rest of the night, I think.  I’ll only have to get up in a few hours for that appointment anyway, so why bother trying to sleep?  I doubt I’d be able to.

only-tears-left

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