Killing me

This is killing me.  I want to beg and plead them to come back but that would just be another way of “acting out” and trying to force things.  Of course I wonder, “if they knew how much this is hurting me, would they believe me that I meant it when I said I was sorry?  Would they believe that I absolutely understand how badly I fucked up?”  I would only be lying if I pretended that those things hadn’t crossed my mind.  I won’t try to contact them though.  That would be way out of line.  Maybe they’re happier now that I’m not part of their lives.  Maybe it would just hurt them more if I tried to contact them.  I have no idea.

I can’t live with this.  It’s too much.  I’m stuck.  I can’t forgive myself for being a horrible person and hurting people that meant the world to me so I have no motivation to even try to get “better.”  Whatever that means.  I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t currently have a “plan” or anything like that.  I’m too much of a coward to use any sort of cutting, slicing instrument, I don’t own a gun and I can’t legally purchase one after having been on the psych hold, I don’t have any alcohol in the house, and I don’t have access to drugs of any kind.  And I don’t have any money to procure any of that stuff anyway so any “plan” I might have is on hold.  I suppose that if I get desperate enough I’ll think of something.



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