Terrible person

It’s been a bad couple of days.  Non-stop overthinking, crying, shaking, and just a general feeling that the only thing keeping me from completely falling part is my skin.  If you count spending hours on Pinterest looking up depressing quotes as self-harm then it’s been a bad couple of days for that, too.  You might say I’m mentally punishing myself for being a terrible person.  And I definitely feel like I am a terrible person.  In an effort to learn everything I possibly can about BPD, I’ve read a couple of books and visited several websites.  Basically, I’m a manipulative drama queen that never takes other people into consideration and hasn’t grown up.  That’s not exactly how it’s described but that’s the essence of it.

I’m questioning EVERYTHING I’ve ever done, felt, said, thought, you name it.  I can’t think of one single redeeming characteristic.  Not one.  If I manage to come up with something, I can easily slap it down with wondering whether or not I was just behaving a certain way so I could further use people or make them think I’m not a terrible person.  I am not coping with this.

To make things extra fun, I have no idea when I’ll start receiving disability payments.  According to the paperwork I was given by HR, the period of disability started on August 17th, but the doctor didn’t get anything totally completed and sent until August 31st.  It’s September 10th.  I haven’t heard a damned thing.  Having no income is not helping my mental state.  Needless to say, suicidal thoughts are back big time.  If I’m just going to be a drain on everyone around me that I haven’t managed to drive away, why stick around?  I’m obviously too fucked up to exist and now I’m not even bringing in any money.

I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of all of it.

I did unblock people on email and Facebook.  I felt like I was hiding.  I’m sick of that, too.  After the last reply I sent to one of them last week, I haven’t communicated with them.  (Obviously, since I’d blocked them all immediately after hitting “send” on the reply.)  Even blocking them a week ago and unblocking them now feels like calculated bullshit.  On the off chance that they WOULD have replied last week, I blocked them so I wouldn’t see it and now it’s been long enough to assume that they won’t reply at all so I’m “safe” and don’t have to deal with anything.  Because I’m a worthless fucking coward.  I’m trying to not think about them.  I really am.  Everyone talks about “moving on” and “letting go” but they never mention HOW to do that.  And I’m afraid to try to talk to anyone else because what if I go all psycho on them, too?  I can’t trust myself with anything, with anyone.  Even if I think I’m doing something for the “right” reasons, how can I possibly be sure that I really AM?  I can’t.

All I can do is try to distract myself but I can’t seem to focus on anything for more than a minute or two.  I’m starting to feel like I’m heading for another total breakdown and THERE ISN’T ANYTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!  Worse, even if I could stop it, I’m not sure I’d want to.  Why not end it?  Granted, I’m not sure how I’d go about it, but I’m sure I can think of something.  That way, everyone I’ve ever hurt can find some measure of peace, I’m not a financial burden on anyone, and people that I haven’t yet driven off won’t be at risk of becoming my next targets.  Everybody wins!

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