I’m tired of fighting. Everything is a fight these days. And I can’t do it anymore.
Twice now since I came home from the hospital I’ve had episodes of uncontrollable, all-consuming, terrifying rage. I have no idea what’s triggered them but I’m actually afraid of myself. I think I managed to get through the first one without further damaging anyone around me. Not physically, that’s never a concern. I mean I will, verbally or via messaging, lash out viciously at any possible target. I only ever physically hurt myself.
The one from last night though…I lashed out big time. At more than one person. I then turned off my phone and haven’t been online since, until now. I’m afraid and ashamed of what the fallout is going to be and I can’t bring myself to turn the damned phone back on, check my email, look at Facebook, anything that might have to make me face what I’ve done. I called others “cowards” but I’M the coward.
I don’t know who or what I am anymore. For a few days, after coming home from the hospital, I felt like I might actually be getting better. Then that first episode of rage came on. I had hoped it wouldn’t happen again so I didn’t mention it to the therapist but after last night, I’ll be talking to him about it. That can’t happen again. I’ve never felt like that before. It’s almost like something/someone else takes control of me and when it passes I just collapse. I slept a lot today and now I can’t sleep tonight. I don’t know if I can’t sleep because I slept during the day or if it’s the fear of facing whatever damage I’ve done this time.
I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m tired of fighting with people, I’m tired of fighting to accomplish the most mundane, everyday tasks, I’m tired of fighting to figure out what I need to do to understand and accept what’s wrong with me, and I’m tired of fighting my own brain just to stay alive. What kind of life is it if I’m living in fear of myself? I’m tired of hurting people. I can’t just go through life hurting people and expecting them to forgive me for what I’ve said and/or done because of my mental illness. I don’t have the first clue how to start fixing what’s broken inside of me and I’m just tired of being me. I can’t even remember if I’ve always been this way or if this is a recent development because I don’t remember who I was even two, three years ago.
I thought maybe writing this would give me some sort of courage to check my email or even just turn on my stupid cell phone. Nope. I’m too scared. I want to cower in a corner, pulling my hair out while screaming just thinking about it. I know that people I haven’t (yet) driven off want to help and they say they’ll be there for me but I don’t think they realize just how horrible I can be. I only end up hurting people that try to get close to me and I’m sick and tired of it. I’m sick and tired of me. I can’t fight anymore. I doubt I’ll actually attempt suicide again but I’m done fighting to stay alive. I give up.