I did a damn stupid thing today.
Since I have all of this time on my hands, I figured I’d have a “Middle Earth” marathon. I started with the three Hobbit films (mostly because it makes me so happy that they ended “The Battle Of The Five Armies” with Gandalf arriving for Bilbo’s party and I wanted to immediately jump into “Fellowship” because that’s just so sweet) and I apparently forgot that when I saw “TBOTFA” in the theater, I SOBBED until after the house lights came back on because of that Billy Boyd song at the end. You know, this one:
It still makes me sad because it’s simply a sad song and I know that Peter Jackson will not be making any more Middle Earth movies but it just breaks my fucking heart now.
I can’t say goodbye to them. I can’t even find out what I said or did that made them just cut me off entirely. They’re just gone. Gone.
And I guess just to twist the knife that seems to be lodged in my heart, I went on Pinterest and saw a bunch of things that apply right now:
And I didn’t lost just one best friend, keep this in mind.
I’m still so torn apart because I have no idea what I said or did. Whatever it was, it must have been unforgivable. There is a part of me that can’t help but feel a bit angry because they said they wouldn’t just ignore me if I sent a message, called, etc. They said they never would. Until they did.
More than anything, I think that’s the reason I went over the edge and tried to kill myself. The thought that whatever I said or did was so heinous that they couldn’t bear talking to me for any reason was too much. They wouldn’t have gone back on a promise like that unless they were completely done with me. They know why people ignoring me when we’re arguing destroys me. They wouldn’t do it themselves unless they no longer cared about hurting me because I’d hurt them so badly. I can’t help worrying about how they are, either, because I can’t just NOT care about them. I can’t help but wonder if there’s anything in the world I can do to at least hear their side of it so I can understand why they can’t bear to talk to me. If I had succeeded in killing myself, would they at least have some fondness left for me? Would there have been any forgiveness, even though I wasn’t actually there anymore? And if so, would they have found some measure of peace with that forgiveness? There are so many questions that I know won’t ever be answered.
And there is so much STUFF – pictures, gifts, things like that – around me that I’ve had to hide from myself. I’ve put most of it into a box and put it in the back of my closet for now. I can’t help wondering if they’d want me to give it to them or if I should just throw it out. I know I owe them money for concert tickets they bought on the understanding that I’d pay them back but I don’t know how much I owe them because they didn’t answer me when I asked. And I’m terrified to ask any mutual friends to find out from them what I owe them because I don’t know if I could handle being told that they don’t want to talk about anything to do with me. In the process of gathering all of that stuff so I could put it away, I found so many things I’d kept as mementos so we could maybe laugh about them years later or just remember having fun together. Some of it got a tiny smile out of me, maybe a faint chuckle, but mostly it was just painful. And all of it set me off sobbing and whispering, ‘Please, please, don’t be gone. I’ll do anything, just please don’t be gone.”
But they are gone. And it’s my fault. And it just hurts SO FUCKING MUCH.